Editing Tip: How to Tackle Confusing Content (About Cars)

Last time, I showed you an example of word puking from a restaurant website. It was a whole lot of fancy words that said essentially nothing that would help the reader understand what kind of food or experience they could expect.

This time we have a run-on sentence—71 words—that does say something, but the reader gets lost in it because it is so darn long and confusing. Here’s the sentence, with brand names removed:

The auto industry has paid lip service to digital sales for years, but with the growth of ABC’s direct sales model and XYZ’s customer service-focused strategy, coupled with consumer behavior changes driven by COVID-19, now is the time for auto manufacturers to address what they’ve put off for years – truly embracing a direct sales model that takes advantage of their dealer network while meeting the expectations of the modern car shopper.

To be honest, the problem with this is more than the length of the sentence. Even if I stuck some periods in there to break it up into shorter sentences, it’d be confusing.

It needs to be reworked to be easier to read and understand.

So let’s practice editing this, because chances are that we have written—or will write—something equally cumbersome, or we will someday edit a similar run-on sentence or confusing paragraph written by someone else.

Editing First Step: Figure Out What Writer Is Trying to Say

OK, put on your editing cap and let’s fix this.

What’s the first step in making this more clear? Probably figuring out what the heck the writer is trying to say, because there is a lot crammed in here. Break it down into a bulleted list and you get:

• The auto industry has paid lip service to digital sales for years.
• There has been growth of ABC’s direct sales model.
• There has been growth in XYZ’s customer service-focused strategy.
• There has also been a change in consumer behavior because of COVID-19.
• Because of these three factors, it’s time for auto manufacturers to embrace a direct sales model (which implies digital sales).
• This direct sales model will tap into their dealer network.
• It will also meet changing expectations of consumer.

Wow, that is a lot to cram into one sentence, right? It’s seven different pieces of information! I’m not even sure I can edit this to be more clear as one paragraph, but I am going to try. Here goes:

The auto industry has paid lip service to digital sales for years, but now is the time for auto manufacturers to finally embrace ecommerce. ABC has proven a direct sales model can succeed, while XYZ has shown us how to develop a customer service-focused strategy. And many consumers want to buy cars online as a result of COVID-19.

 

This might sound like a big leap for manufacturers, but they can make this leap by taking advantage of their dealer networks.

As you can see, the last sentence didn’t fit in the paragraph, in my opinion. All of the other information fit, although I reworded it to make it shorter and more clear.

Editing Second Step: Make It Make Sense

Still, as an editor whose first duty is to the reader, I am not happy with the edit. It’s still confusing. It’s not a run-on sentence any longer, but it still sucks.

Therefore I rewrote it to be in the order I think is correct, putting the part about consumer expectations first…because without that, the rest doesn’t matter. If consumers didn’t want to buy cars online, the rest is pointless. And the accomplishments of brands ABC and XYZ aren’t reasons to embrace ecommerce, but proof that it can be done:

The auto industry has paid lip service to digital sales for years. But now that many consumers want to buy cars online as a result of COVID-19, it’s time for auto manufacturers to finally embrace ecommerce.

 

Fortunately for manufacturers, the foundation has been laid, making the transition to online sales feasible. ABC has proven a direct sales model can succeed, while XYZ has shown how to develop a customer service-focused strategy. And manufacturers already have dealer networks to tap into for the physical delivery of a car.

This is a little longer. It’s 88 words now. But the order of the information makes much more sense to me:

• The auto industry talked about ecommerce but didn’t do it.
• Then consumers starting asking for it.
• Manufacturers can see that it works because brands are already doing it.
• They already have the dealer network to do the delivery part.

As an editor trying to make life easier for the reader, I like this better. But, as always, your rewrites or edits don’t have to look like mine!

I hope walking through this editing process was helpful to you in your own writing at work.

Speaking of editing, if you need help with some unruly content, head on other to We Know Words where we can help you make your words work.