The mistakes, they are all around me! Even when I’m in the barn dishing up supplements, I’m confronted with lazy language! And that’s what we’ll tackle in this Monday’s Mistake.
Do you see the errors in this?
Note: This is from a horse supplements package, and the “blue and orange” wording refers to a map that was on the package.
In the first sentence, the mistake is a missing comma after “area.” That’s simple enough.
Then I have to admit that–on the surface–the second sentence is not technically wrong. I wanted to say it wasn’t parallel in construction, but if you break it down into a bulleted list, it actually is:
“Selenium deficiency causes:
- Less disease resistance
- Lower performance
- Foaling problems
- And much more.”
But it’s so clunky! After a quick rewrite, I think it reads better as:
“In a blue or orange area, the risk of deficiency is high. Selenium deficiency reduces disease resistance, lowers performance, causes foaling problems and more.”
However, it’s still not compelling and since the packaging is selling the product as a way to prevent selenium deficiency, it seems like it should be a bit more direct, like:
“If you live in a blue or orange area, your horse has a higher risk of selenium deficiency. Selenium deficiency reduces disease resistance, lowers performance, causes foaling problems and more.”
That’s what this retired copywriter thinks anyway. How about you?