I must be in a mood, because this example of crappy copywriting has me riled. Do you see why? Do you see what’s wrong with this sentence? For context, it’s from an Amazon marketing email:
“We wanted to let you know you left something in your cart.”
Answer? It’s wishy washy to the point of passive, oh my! And this is not how you write a marketing email.
The email says, “We wanted to…” and I think, “OK, whatever,” as the customer who received the email. “We” is all about them. I, as a typical consumer, am all about me.
This kind of weak copywriting just irks me! Can you tell? I mean, you’re in the customer’s inbox, for goodness’ sake. Make good use of that! It is a privileged place to be and you can’t afford to waste that opportunity to get a click.
Yet, “We wanted to…” is a sure way to get your email deleted when went you want is to get the customer’s attention.
“We wanted to…” is a sure way to get your email deleted when went you want is to get the customer’s attention.
It’s not that hard to write a marketing email if you remember who you are writing it to and why? Why not simply say “You left something in your cart.” Or “Did you forget to finish your order?” Or “Remember to finish your purchase.” Or almost anything but “We wanted to…” (And do see all of my alternatives use the pronouns you and your, not we?)
After all, this is a cart-abandonment email. Its sole purpose is to convince the customer to follow through on the purchase.
Remember what I have said before: Choose “you” over “we” or “I” whenever you can, and your writing will be much more engaging…whether you’re writing a cart-abandonment email or an email to your boss.
And for more email copywriting advice, take the free class on email copywriting 101. It might be free, but the lessons you’ll learn will pay dividends. (Think someone at Amazon should take this class??)
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Sharon Ernst
Sharon Ernst is a freelance editor and writer at www.weknowwords.com, a teacher and coach at www.betterfasterwriter.com. And a farmer and planet saver at www.literalroadfarm.com.