Let’s get straight to the point this week. What’s wrong with this paragraph?

“In light of the major data breaches the world has been experiencing in recent years, the importance of cybersecurity can’t be reiterated enough. Even big brands are not exempt from becoming victims and facing repercussions like lawsuits and settlements.”

It’s too wordy! I don’t see any mistakes, per se, but this is convoluted writing. And at BetterFasterWriter.com, we say “no” to clutter and “yes” to clarity.

Look at all the clutter in these 39 words:

In light of the major data breaches the world has been experiencing in recent years, the importance of cybersecurity can’t be reiterated enough. Even big brands are not exempt from becoming victims and facing repercussions like lawsuits and settlements.”

Plus it’s confusing. The world had major data breaches? I don’t think anyone hacked the world.

If we are saying they are major data breaches, aren’t we also saying they are probably being experienced by big brands and we don’t need to say, “Even big brands…”?

And of course hackers are going after big brands. It’s more lucrative. So it’s strange to say “even” when that makes it seem like it’s surprising.

Wouldn’t the repercussions also be the cost beyond the lawsuits and settlements, like money lost and damage to brand?

Like I said, it’s confusing.

If I take a minute to rewrite it as one sentence while trying to stay true to the writer’s intent, I get:

“Major data breaches in recent years emphasize the importance of cybersecurity, as big brands get hacked and then face lawsuits and settlements.”

I removed 17 words. (The original was 39 words and the rewrite is 22.) And I think I made it make sense.

Clutter gets in the way of communication. And clutter is usually a sign that one’s thinking is cluttered too! Strive for clear writing and you’ll get clear thinking.

Sharon Ernst is a retired freelance copywriter now on a mission to improve the business and marketing writing skills of today’s workforce with her blog, newsletter and online classes.